I mean, they would know.
Sex is complicated, no matter what your gender or whom you enjoy having sex with. But a lot of our issues when it comes to sex and sex in relationships, is that we simply don’t understand each other and our needs. We’re thinking based on what we want, and not based on what our partner may want or how they feel about what we are doing.
So, we turned to the ideal expert: women. Women who enjoy having sex with women and therefore understand the issue from all sides. The result was some epically awakening information:
Never use sex as a bargaining chip.
“Women, please, don’t withhold sex as a weapon! That sh*t will only infuriate us and make us give you nothing! I say us because I feel like a dude. Not that I want to be a man, but I lovewomen the way men do. I drool over your fine asses like any brother on the street and love p*ssy just as much, if not more,” says Aracelly Anaya, a lesbian woman.
Need that man to do something? Don’t threaten to take sex away. Instead, offer it as a reward.
“Example: I hate the ballet. But if you tell me, ‘Baby if you come with me, when we get home I’ll do that thing you like…’ then I’m there. Front row and center. On a random Wednesday, wait for him butt-ass-naked after work for no reason,” says Anaya.
Stop being so damn insecure. Seriously.
“You are not fat. You are beautiful. Your toes and finger nails don’t have to match color. We do not give a f*ck if you got stretch marks. You offer us yourselves after a long day and we will take it. Don’t be like ‘I feel fat today!’ Because we don’t care. We are with you. We love you. And you need to own that a lot more than you do. Confidence looks sexy on everyone,” says Anaya.
Understand that we always want you and are always ready.
“I get that straight women’s moods come and go according to the stress, but ladies, please try to not let weeks go by without feeding your man. If he’s missing something, don’t be afraid to say it. If he’s not hitting it right, do not be afraid to tell us; we want to please you.
We want you to come to us and say, ‘Maybe go to the left or the right, do this do that.’ Making you cum all over the place is our goal. So if you’re withholding sex because it isn’t good, please tell us. After all, men always cum no matter what. It’s only fair that he puts in the work to make you get there every time as well,” says Anaya.
Never underestimate the power of waking up your man by sitting on his face.
“This might sound a little crazy, but let me tell you something: You wake up a man like that, you will have the best week ever. Honestly, having to always ask for it gets old. Surprise us with it out of the blue once in a while for no reason other than you want it. And we will instantly remember why we fell in love,” says Anaya.
OWN your tits.
Boobs are amazing. Be proud of them!
“Any person who likes girls, loves boobs. Even gay men do. They might be more obsessed with boobs than straight men and lesbians combined. Show them off if you’re confident and comfortable. If you’re not, save them as a surprise, because whoever you are trying to holler at is impatiently waiting,” says Julia Ozimek.
Nothing is sexier than confidence. NOTHING.
“You’re naked, they’re about to get sex… relax! Stop judging yourself and have fun,” says Robyn Vie-Carpenter, The Lesbian Socialite. And she’s right. The only way you’ll feel comfortable during sex is if you stop worrying about what you look like. Trust us, he’s enjoying the view, no matter how you see yourself.
Don’t be a dead fish. Nobody likes a dead fish.
AKA try new things! Buy a book, watch a movie, phone a friend, or figure out something that you feel comfortable trying.
“Don’t be embarrassed if your partner’s reaction isn’t what you thought. Give them a minute; they’ll be onboard. Then remember that they’re about to get sex, they’re happy. You might consider buying a book on sex positions and ask your partner to try some with you,” says Vie-Carpenter.
Stop treating sex like choreography.
One of the best parts of lesbian sex is that there’s no script, says Jenny Block, author of O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.
“There is no tab A to put in slot B, so pleasure rather then prescription can be your guide. Sure, there are certain things that lesbians generally do when it comes to sex. But my experiences with women have more so much more about discovering just how to pleasure that particular woman rather then doing some pre-choreographed series of acts,” says Block.
Make the clit your universe.
The clit is the center of the universe when it comes to female pleasure, says Block.
“Lesbians know that because they are owner/operators of the equipment. Don’t fall for the hype. There is no such thing as vaginal orgasm. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t come solely from penetration — the VAST majority of women don’t.
And NEVER put your pleasure second to a man’s. NEVER. Sex should be circular and pleasure-oriented, not goal-oriented. A man having an orgasm is not the goal nor the end game of sex. Both partners experiencing pleasure should be the only focus, not his ejaculation. Imagine what sex would look like if your pleasure was considered as important as his. That is what sex should ALWAYS look like,” Block says.
This story by Aly Walansky originally appeared on YOURTANGO